My hand is shaking as I write this, and I cannot keep the tears from running down my face. Why did this have to happen?
After the meeting with the messenger earlier today, I wanted to go and visit the queen because she seemed to be very distraught, but I got caught up in the rush of other maids and attendants heading towards the kitchens to spread the news of the king's lineage. I didn't end up leaving the kitchens until the evening, so when I got there, it was...too late.
Walking up to the bedchambers, I could hear the sounds of her sobbing and wailing, calling out "Laius!" and lamenting about her cursed brood, who now I can only know as Oedipus. I was trying to think of an excuse to go help her, when the king came rushing down the hall, screaming for Jocasta, who he described as "the mother of me and mine". I was shocked enough about that revelation, but then...
I heard a shriek that was suddenly cut off, and when Oedipus opened the doors to his bedchambers, there the queen was, swinging by a noose.
She hung herself.
And as if this wasn't bad enough, when Oedipus loosened the cord and set down the
I was horrified, and at the same time I felt incredibly guilty. If I had only been a bit sooner in reaching the queen, I could have prevented this tragedy! She would still be alive, and Oedipus would still have his eyesight, and he wouldn't-
Ah, there's more to this tragedy.
Holding back my nausea, I ran to the king and tried to get him to come with me. He was moaning in pain, but let go of the corpse and followed me, albeit very slowly. Seeing that he didn't object to me leading him anywhere, I sped up to get to the senate house so I could tell them of the horrible events. As the distance grew a bit between us, he started yelling out, "Unbar the doors and let all Thebes behold the slayer of his father, his mother's-"
I can't say that word. Anyway, he vowed to fly self-banished from the land, and to never come back to Thebes or else lay more curses upon his home. I quickly turned and went faster to the senate house.
When I reached there, I did my best to accurately describe the events (which I did, because I stood there and watched the whole thing...). I could tell by there expressions that they didn't understand fully, so I told them to see for themselves when Oedipus came, as I heard him shuffling behind me.
The senate, who had no idea of recent events dealing with the king, asked him why he did this to himself.
Oedipus, who had fallen to his knees, lamented his birth and the fact that he was the one to murder his father and climb into his mother's bed. He said horrifying, self-deprecating things about himself, that he probably would never have even thought if the recent events hadn't come to pass. He said that he didn't want to have to see all the horrible misdeeds that he's done, and felt that no sight could ever bring him joy anymore, which was why he blinded himself.
He then asked if he could be banished, and if not that then executed, as he felt he had no right to be in the sight of Thebes at all. I felt shocked then, but I understand what he meant now. To Oedipus, his own presence was so vile that he felt that he was corrupting everyone he came across.
Then Lord Creon entered. He must have heard what Oedipus said about the banishment, because he said he would be the one to grant his prayers, as he was left the sole leader of Thebes in Oedipus and Jocasta's stead.
It seemed odd to me that he knew of the news so quickly, but then Lord Creon stated that he had already heard of the news through gossip and consulted the gods to see if it was true.
Oedipus then asked him if he could have Jocasta buried with the proper rites, and himself banished. He asked that when he died, if he would be buried by his father in Cithaeron on the hills. His last request was to see his daughters before he left.
Then, his daughters Antigone and Ismene were led in, and Creon stated that he knew that Oedipus would want to see them ahead of time.
Oedipus sobbed again, holding on to his daughters, and lamented of their future, which he stated would be filled with ridicule and scorn from men who will say "Their father slew his father, sowed the seed where he himself was gendered, and begat these maidens at the source whereupon he sprang." He then said that no one would wed them, and pleaded to Creon that he make sure they find a husband and live happily within their homes, unlike their father.
I felt like weeping just looking at the pitiful state of the once great king. What could he have done to stop his horrible fate from occurring, other than what was already tried? By all means, he shouldn't have even been alive after the precautions that were taken by the old king and queen! What was the reason behind his suffering? Was he hated by the gods, by the Fates?
What was even worse was that Lord Creon, who had seemed so kind earlier, all but snatched the girls out of Oedipus's hands and made him leave, all while saying that he was just granting his plea. Even in my shocked highly emotional state, it seemed very callous. Thinking back on it now, the look of almost exaggerated sympathy makes me feel uneasy. Was he happy to be king now that Oedipus and Jocasta were out of the way? It makes me think that Oedipus may have been right earlier about his lust for the crown.
But alas, just thinking of how smooth everything was going up until the plague makes me want to curl up and cry. The events of the past few days have left their toll on me, I'm sure, and because of that I will not be writing in this diary again. I may break if I have to look upon my earlier thoughts and relive the madness that has occurred.
I am also leaving Thebes. I don't feel as if it would be healthy for me to stay here, even with my family. The plague will surely end now, and I have enough gold saved up to make a living on my own in the countryside. As long as I can escape these events, I know I will be fine.
Goodbye,
Former Royal Messenger, ---------- (name has been scratched out)
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